My counselor told me it would be a great idea to share my story.
I’m 24. I’m married. I’ve lived with Hyperhidrosis since 12 years old. I first noticed it when I would play video games and the controller was wet. It never manifested itself until I was 18. I was in my first year of college. Thinking about my lifelong dream to become a helicopter pilot. I remember thinking if I can only get this out of my life would be perfect.
Since 6 years ago, it has got worse and worse. It has affected most or many of my social situations or experiences throughout the day. I developed anxiety and OCD because of it. My thoughts about it are obsessive because I’m constantly thinking about it on a daily basis for 6 years.
I absolutely hate holding hands, in church, prayer, or dancing. I was afraid people would see me as gross. I have avoided people or experiences because of it. There’s many embarrassing times where people called me out about it.
There were many times where I had the need to escape social situations. I’d go to the bathroom as many times as I could. I developed a fear of shaking hands, trying to avoid it at all costs.
I thought I was the only one in the world who had it. 6 whole years of feeling gross and like an alien.
Yet, I never stopped to realize that I could seek help. I started seeing a counselor about it about 2 months ago. I have achieved enormous freedom as I am breaking down lies about my hands and thoughts. Over 365 million people have Hyperhidrosis. Now I’m not sure exactly how many have it over hands and feet, but it’s a lot more common that I ever thought it would be.
Over the course of 6 years, I have shaken many hands. While many of the handshakes may or may not have been sweaty, I had received maybe about 20 times where people called me out.
Out of the ten thousand times, maybe 20. This is 0.2%
I never stopped to think about the gravity of this. If anyone rarely says anything about it, why worry?
Am I helping myself if I go into each situation already worrying about what people will think of me?
What if I went into each situation happy, peaceful, calm and comfortable?
I have been obsessed over my hands, constantly having this side conversation in my head when being around people. I’m learning that it doesn’t help me. That I can be present and enjoy each moment in the light it should be.
I still do have extremely anxious thoughts that tear me apart, but I’m learning to observe them and let them go.
I’m learning that most people don’t care because they love you for who you are. They are more looking at you than feeling your hands.
I’ve learned to see myself in a way that God sees me, not those few bad apples see me.
This is a far cry from how I used to think because I based myself on how those few judgmental people saw me.
I’m thankful to have a beautiful wife who loves all of me, even my hands. I’m thankful to have friends and family. Only 2 people know the depths of my anxiety but they love me for it and I’m learning to communicate it.
For so long, I repressed my thoughts because I didn’t know how to deal with them.
It got worse and worse and I reached a breaking point.
I’m so thankful for the progress I made.
I’m learning to focus my mind on being present and seeing through my eyes.
I’m learning to associate social situations, hand holding, and hand shaking as good and connecting with people.
While I may have sweaty hands for the rest of my life, I hope to get back to the confidence and peace I had from ages 1-17. I know I have that in me, and it makes appearances here and there. It will take time but I’m on the right path for once.
I don’t know why God gave me this. Maybe it will be something I can help someone with or provide some helpful advice on anxiety, OCD, or mental health. I don’t know yet.
All I know is that I’m taking back my life.
